I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
false alarm. still invincible.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
