i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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