Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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