I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
