I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
