Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
