First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
