I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
