Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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