I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
All I want is dick and wine.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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