My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
