Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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