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• (559): View more from California

  Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??

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• (631): View more from New York

  My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls

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