I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize