Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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