when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
