I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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