There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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