Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize