Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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