The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize