He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
