yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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