my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
