Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
