i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
time to smoke my breakfast
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
