just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
