if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize