This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
