I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You can't just leave with hair like that
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize