but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
