i just wanna soil my oats bro
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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