Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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