Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
