My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
