You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize