Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
