just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
