I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
