He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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