I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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