My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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