hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
