The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize