I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
