i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
