dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
