mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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