shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
