david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
