Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
