Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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