Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
