so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
