It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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