My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
