the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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