I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
